For my creative writing class we were supposed to write about something and make it a problem. Make it sarcastic and try to make it funny were instructions. And, make it short. bluh.


I am all for freedom of speech, but there are few things I take the lead in standing against. Like religion, raves, and religion raves (which do not exist yet but I am already strongly opposed to). Thankfully, one can still call the authorities when strangers enter near or anywhere around ones property, so I don’t have to deal with any of these things very often. However, when I am forced to leave my humble abode I can see our culture deteriorating in a simple act.

I always imagined the 21^st century to be one that is more professional. One that was past barbaric signs of irony and had arrived to something to be more proud of, like jetpacks. Unfortunately, our society has evolved to a point where not even greetings can be taken in an austere fashion. Full body contact is now deemed necessary for any greeting or departure.

At first it started with that compromising, side-by-side, arm dangerously close to waist “I’m not sure how I feel about you” hug. Which I, for one, am all for. Seeing that awkward smile with teeth being grinded during and after said greeting, in my mind, made up for the public offence. However, unnecessary physical contact didn't stop there. There is also the “ass out” hug, which trades faces being stacked upon one another with a ruler long distance between both parties genitals (thank goodness). Then, the “bro love”, consisting of full body contact where closeted polo wearing males hold one another close while slapping their partners back. Here, I can only come to the assumption that the force of the slap would equal said males testosterone level, so, making sure those around you can hear the contact of the hand and spine is crucial.

Above and beyond all of these public obscenities, is the real, full frontal, hug. Horrifying as it was at mandatory family events, it has now spread to everyday places. When I see high school acquaintances while getting my groceries I am expected to want to be “all up on them” and take part in the now social norm of embracing one another. Please, let us bring this trend of high ridiculosity levels to an end. Ridiculosity is not a word, but I find it vital here to get this point across. Let me and my democrat patriots return to having to buy just enough Purell for our hands, not enough to fill our bathtubs.